You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
