I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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