3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
