She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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