Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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