i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Randomize
