I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
