life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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