Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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