My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
