I want to have your abortion
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
