Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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