atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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