Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
