Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
