You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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