I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
