My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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