Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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