saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
