it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
