I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
