I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
