Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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