You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
NoShamevember. You game?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
