woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
