If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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