I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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