he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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