Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
