come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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