his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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