His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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