I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
