Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
