census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
