Best friends brother. Beat that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
