I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
