All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
