Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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