Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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