It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
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