WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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