Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
