dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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