if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
