Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
