god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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