We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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