my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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