I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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