we have pet lesbian snakes
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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