I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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