My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
