So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
