If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
