wakey wakey hands off snakey
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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