I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
