dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I currently don't understand fingers.
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