my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
